Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Begin Again

It seems the more I try to live according to the “new age gurus'” philosophy of “living according to the highest form of my best self”, the more confused I get and the more isolated I feel. My life is not surrounded by like-minded people living according to those same philosophies. It appears to me that the more I self-actualize, the more uncomfortable my family and old friends (not all, but most) feel around me. I don’t like it much. It makes me feel a little lonely. I’m not sure how to surround myself with those like-minded people when I’m not at a “new age” workshop. Finding new friends who think like me is hard.

But, these philosophies resonate with my core Self. How can I not try to live them? Isn't it more important to be true to oneself than it is to please everyone around you or make them comfortable being in your company? Why am I still asking these questions? I'm in my mid-sixties and I am still questioning myself. This self query process is not constant, but remains when I feel most vulnerable. Loved ones like to joke that I am spoiled. My life is not filled with dramatic angst like many of theirs. I know that some are jealous of my lifestyle, but there is nothing I can do about their reaction. I am only responsible for mine. I know this, but this knowledge does not always help assuage the heartache I feel without loving family connection readily at hand.

Loved ones who surround me have much harder lives than I. I don't consider myself spoiled necessarily because my problems seem frivolous compared to caring for an aging parent in isolation or dealing with addicted adult children, for example. I see my life as a culmination of my choices. This life is where my choices to date have led me. I have a great life. What's wrong with that? I am blessed. I see it; I recognize it, and I am grateful for it. Every day. Why should I be made to feel guilty or bad about myself for that?

Part of my problem is that I am vulnerable to the pain of my loved ones. My "adult child" wants to dive in to fix, save or rescue them from their pain. I know intellectually I can't do this; I shouldn't do it. Their pain is their journey. They must travel their own path. If along the way they amast more sympathizers with a similar journey to support them in their pain than I, then what does that say? I travel "the road less traveled". I always have. I don't want to save them; I want to be completely comfortable in my own skin. Does this desire make me selfish? I want to be able to defend myself in the moment when someone I love tries to hurt my feelings out of a reaction to their own "green monster". I study, read, take workshops, find spiritual mentors in hopes of growing in a positive direction. I am. It's just a lonely road sometimes. I don't think I'm selfish, but sometimes I wonder. I doubt. I question.

Dealing with the loneliness can be relatively easy at times, but at others it seems impossible. At those difficult moments, my heart aches so badly, I need to wrap my arms tightly around myself trying to stay the pain. I must stop thinking about this pain as an outward pain, and remind myself that it's source is inward. I must go inward much more often. That is where the healing and the knowledge lives. I know this, but fear keeps me from going there daily. Fear of what? That is the ultimate question I find difficult to answer. Life experiences in spiritual exploration have taught me there is no need to fear. Intellectually I know this, but my heart holds me back. I'm still working on this one.

The Self Work is my life process. I will continue to question until the day I die. I think that's what this journey is all about. Learning who I am. Really. The external, physical challenges our lives present us through the choices we make are the lessons we must learn. I think we decide before we come into this world what lessons we require; form alliances with other spiritual beings to help us in our quest on earth, then come here and do what we need to learn. Crazy? Who knows. None of us will really know until we return to our spiritual Home. Until then, I will continue searching for like-minded friends and allies wherever I go because having a support system is the key to success in any venture. None of us can do anything alone. We may think we can, and we may try. But, life is so much harder living it in isolation. Life is meant to be fun, happy and joyous. I truly believe this. Finding like beings to share it with only makes life easier. This belief is my Truth. Being comfortable in my Truth is my Journey. I hope I see you on the Path. Namaste.